Thus goes another year...

As I sat down to wax nostalgic over the events of the past year, I became even more painfully aware of just how much I do not remember. Not just "oh, I forgot about that...." type of memory slips, but honest to goodness amnesia type lack of memories. That is after all, the point of subjecting someone to ECT. I have hesitated in the past to bring up my experience with this in a public forum. Afterall, only the most insane of the insane are 'treated' with such drastic measures, right? I do have a life to live and revealing such a horrible dark secret sets me up to be shunned by those who fear things they don't understand. After giving it much thought though, I decided what the hell - it's not like I have throngs of admirers who are going to be sadly disillusioned wtih my brilliance once they learn of the depths of my insanity. I suppose there are some who may even elevate my status as a great thinker since history has shown that many of the great minds have also suffered similarly. How glamorous, eh? Think what you will. I assure you that whatever picture you create in your mind it is most likely not anywhere near how it really happened.

I can only tell you bits and pieces of what did occur - memory loss being what it is and all. I got my first treatment in the summer of 2002, the last in the early spring of 2003. I wrote an entry in my journal from my hospital bed as I awaited my first treatment. Scared. Depressed. Hopeless. I wrote down some vital bits of information 'just in case' I didn't remember them after my brain zap. Name, age, kids names & ages. I joked that I was a plus-sized super model with homes in Paris and Milan. If you have to reinvent your past, might as well make it a glamorous one. As it turns out, I didn't forget my name, or the names and ages of my kids. It seemed at first that I had not forgotten anything of significance. How lucky I was! Or so I thought. It wasn't until promising Dylan and Kiah that I would take them to Disneyland some day that I realized just how much I did not remember. As it turns out I had already taken them to Disneyland. There are pictures to prove it. Thank god for the pictures or else I am not sure I would believe it. I look at them and feel as though I am looking at photos from someone elses album. Someone else's life. But it is mine. That was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. My life is full of gaping holes. I read old journals, look at old photos and feel like a voyeur. On the bright side - I get to go places, meet people, and do all sorts of things for the 'first' time all over again. Oh, yes, lucky me.

On that happy and uplifting note, I give you my list of things I realized I DON'T remember in 2003. Not everything on this list occured in the past 12 months, some of them happened many years ago. It is only in 2003 that I realized I don't have memories of these events.

The birth of my children - I remember more about the birth of my first child 13 years ago then I do of my most recent 2 years ago.

Axel proposing marriage to me- He tells me it has something to do with a statue of Stevie Ray Vaughn on Town Lake in Austin Texas. Sounds nice...wish I was there...oh wait I was.

My wedding- Well at least my second wedding. I seem to have no trouble remembering the nightmare of a wedding to my evil-ex.

How to find my way around in a city that I spent most of my adult life living in - I still live there and I feel at times I am visiting a foreign land.

Favorite places- this is a big category. There are too many to list individually. Places that I spent endless hours with friends and family. Restaraunts, parks, bars, entire cities. Not just places I was once, but places I loved to go.

Vacations - Disneyland being just one of them. I have boxes of souveniers from trips that I took over the years but they hold no meaning. They just serve as reminders that I don't remember.

Places I have lived - Apartments, houses, friends places...you name it. I have lived a rather transient life in terms of dwellings, so it is not surprising that I would forget a few details in the normal course of life. But I have forgotten completely some places that I lived for significant periods of time and places that significant life events have occured.

Years of studies, job experiences, and other 'resume' items - I found an old resume a few weeks ago. I have been a Work At Home Mom for many years so I have not had the need to update it for quite awhile. I was really impressed with what I used to do and what I used to know. I wonder if I have to take it off my resume if I don't know shit about what it was I did. I would certainly fail an interview if asked to describe any number of items listed.

Lovers and boyfriends- I recently read an old journal from the year 1994-95. It was like reading a romance novel filled with sex, passion and betrayal. I suppose if I remembered it I would be even more jaded and bitter than I am today in the arena of love and relationships. But it was part of my life. I lived it. I survived it. I damn well deserve to be able to tell the tale. I have to settle for reading about it.

Details too numerous to mention - A copout of a category. This is where I include the seemingly endless line of things I don't remember. Hardly a day goes by in which I don't have a conversation with one of my kids, my husband, or my friends that brings up a topic that my memory is sketchy on. I am the master of smile and nod because of it. Usually I can fake it with vague statements and a wistful look. More and more I am just calling it for what it is. At first I was embarrassed that I didn't remember or didn't want to make people uncomfortable by bringing it up. Not so much these days. Now I am just pissed. My life has been stolen from me, and the hope of getting it back is slim.

There is so much more that I have yet to realize I have forgotten. That is the nasty thing about losing your memory. If I didn't tell someone, write it down, take a photo, or have a witness to it, I may never know that it happened. Never know I had something to forget. Just today I learned that New Years Eve circa 1993-94 I threw "one of the best shin-digs ever" per my good friend Tina. Good to know.

With this all I look forward to the new year. Creating new memories. New adventures, new places, new people. A new life. I will also take as many pictures as possible and write about every little thing. Precious memories to be reflected on in the future - good and bad.

posted by Unknown at 1:07 am