Deep thoughts at a late hour

I really should be in bed now. It is late and I am just recovering from a hellish bout of gatro-intestinal revoltion. A lovely way to spend the 3rd of 4 consecutive days housebound due to Winter Storm 2004. ("What will they call it if we get another storm", I wonder.) But as the region defrosts and heads into what promises to be a more typical constant drone of rainy days, I am working hard on bringing a bit more sunshine and hope to my days.

The past few months have been very difficult ones for me. I do not deal well with the lack of sunlight that we experience in the Northwest this time of year. I am really able to see how it has affected me very clearly this year. I am working on some very deliberate steps to fix this. My efforts are beginning to show some results and I am working my way through some very tough issues both emotionally and physically. One would think that after the entirety of my life's experience that I would have a firmer grip on the concept that emotional and physical self are eternally intertwined no matter how hard I try to deny, resist, or avoid it.

In explaining to a friend tonight about how she appeared in a dream I had, I actually had a pretty huge revelation about much of what I have been experiencing lately. This is an piece of what I wrote:

You were reaching out with one arm, cradling the baby gently but strongly with the other and turning almost as if you were turning back towards something you were leaving behind. It just left me feeling that I had lost touch with you over the past few weeks and that I wondered how you were.

It seems kind of strange to write it out like that. It was split second fast. Takes more time to read the description of what I dreamt than it did to actually dream it. It was in context of my having asked for dreams about "living in mindfulness" as a way of coping with some very difficult situations that I have been experiencing recently. I saw myself getting lost in fears of the future and regrets of the past and totally missing my chance to live NOW because of it.

That last sentence:

I saw myself getting lost in fears of the future and regrets of the past and totally missing my chance to live NOW because of it.

wow.

The concept of past and future has been a huge topic for me lately. A great deal of anger over things that happened from the time I was a baby (I have both memory of feelings I experienced as a baby - say what you will - I truly do.) up to things that I was actually projecting outcomes of the future and experiencing anger from what I feared would occur.

Now that I have realized this, I can begin to change it.

Now the fun begins!

posted by Unknown at 8:45 am