30 September 2003

Just a Tad Bit Busy

Oops, an entire week got away from me between now and the last time I took time to write. I got caught up in one of those times when there is too much thinking to allow for any documentation of the thoughts. So much has been occupying the physical space of my days that I would have assumed that I would check out on the mental and spiritual fronts. Much to my surprise and delight I have been able to work on my awareness and presence in what I am doing during my day. I am working at making all aspects of my life more connected rather than how they have become so disjointed over the past couple years.

Speaking of disjointed, I am realizing more each day just how truly disjointed I am from my past. I have known that there are gaps, but had skipped over them and dismissed them as unimportant ordinary things. What I was didn't realize before was just how important every day ordinary things really are. Those are the true keys to who we are and why we do what we do. I don't remember so much of my past ordinary things - some very extraordinary "ordinary" things such as the two years of marriage before my youngest was born. I don't recall the magic and hope of falling in love. I am missing my older childrens' years as small ones. I look at many pictures of my life and feel like an outside observer except that the part of me that "knows" I should remember these things nags and pokes at me because I do not. I read a journal entry that I wrote the day before my memory was begun to be erased. I wrote that if I were to forget everything that I knew, the one thing I took the time to record just in case I did, was that I love my children and my husband with all my heart. That was all that mattered - the rest was icing. Well, now that all is said and done and my memory is not whole, while I feel no less love for anyone, I so deeply regret that I cannot remember so many of the occasions in the past that we shared and that helped love grow for us all. It is a very difficult way to learn the importance of living in mindfulness. It leaves me with a very clean slate.

0 comment(s):

Post a comment

<< Home