25 July 2003

A goddess bitch session

When a goddess gets in a bad mood you had better watch out. With the power to unleash devastion and destruction upon you, be thankful that I am only choosing to spout of a series of poorly phrased rants and the occasional cutting sarcastic comment. Thus ye shall suffer the dribble that follows.

It started the morning we were to leave Chicago and fly back to Portland. For some insane reason, Axel decided that he would wake me up 10 minutes before our wake up call was scheduled to tell me that the wake up call was coming soon. What sadistic trip was he on to wake me up 10 minutes before I absolutely had to get up? I do not transition well from bed to real world. .strike one. Next in line was the f'ing lady at the luggage check in counter for American Airlines. Insisting that our bag, which was withing weight limits in Seattle on the flight there, was now somehow 5 pounds over limit. This being so even though we actually packed a good 5+ pounds less because we were carrying a gift on the way there. Thankfully I occasionaly have a compulsive moment and had packed a duffel bag in case we bought too much and needed more space on the way back. As it was we bought nothing but a few postcards so it was available for us to remove some items from our suitcase (yes, only 1 suitcase for 3 people) to make it lighter. Somehow to them it is better to have 2 bags that weigh less, but take up twice as much room than one bag that weighs very slightly more (we are talking 5 pissy pounds here). To add insult she sent us to wait in another line to check in Anja seperately because their oh so modern e-ticket system could not locate her reservation. nice. .strike 2. It was a bad morning. I don't think I ever fully recovered from this morning. Later that day in Seattle, Anja decided that the best place for her to suffer a total toddler melt down was in the hot sun on the sidewalk in front of the Ferry terminal when I really had to use the bathroom. .strike 3.

Things did get better for awhile, and I thought that I had actually stepped down a few notches on the pissed off scale. I enjoyed a nice evening that my SIL put together for my brother's birthday. A rare occurence took place in that all of the kids in my family were together in one place. This has not happened for a long time, and even longer that we saw each other on a day other than a holiday while not at my parent's house. It was cool. My peace was shattered the next day when we arrived back home to find that the toilet had not been flushed before we left. It was record heat while we were gone, the windows were shut tight, and the bathroom is a tiny room. The smell. Oh dear god, the smell. Welcome back home, mama! I guess the magic house cleaning fairy didn't make it to my home while I was gone. After several days of Executive Level (a'la the complimentary upgrade we received) in a 4 star hotel in downton Chicago, coming home to the same disaster zone of a house that I left with the added bonus of the amonia bomb bathroom sent me into a frenzy. I began to unleash the storm.

It has been eggshells around me since then. My first full day back began with taking Kiah to get a cast put on her arm, which she broke roller blading while we were on vacation. Not too traumatic for either of us luckily. Then it was back home where with candy wrapper orders in record quantities to work on, I have spent most of the past couple days hidden away in the basement in front of a computer screen. My office has no windows, so the best lighting I have is a couple of full spectrum light fixtures. They are truly the best there is to offer in artificial lighting. But they are artificial and there is no real light. A goddess needs her gamma rays ya know? I emerged from the dungeon only to make trips to the post office and costco. At costco I had to wait for half hour while they got 10 cases of chocolate bars. I cleaned out the 25 that they had on the shelf already. I became briefly legendary on service walkie-talkies known as 'the chocolate lady'. They could have at least called me 'the chocolate goddess'.

I did make it up twice yesterday to consume fast food lunch and dinner. Big mistake. Either I am suffering instant bad food karma or I have displeased the virus gods in some way. Whatever the cause, lets just say that I have not been loving my digestive system. Who needs a stomach lining anyway? A weeks worth of dietary restrictions removed and I now vow to never stray again. right.

The house is a worse mess than when we arrived back home. My daughters, as much as I love them and they are fabulous human beings, totally suck at housekeeping. I have taught them well. They have been helping out tremendously playing with Anja and taking her on the many trips to "make pee-pee in the potty". It is just that every toy touched in the past few days, and at least 3 scraps of any meal or snack consumed are spread out all over my living room floor. Axel did clean out the bathroom (since I place all of the blame for the toilet not getting flushed on him) but we have not completely unpacked our toiletry bags so they are spread out over the counter along with several of Anja's bath toys. There is something sticky on the kitchen floor which I suspect has something to do with the empty lemonade pitcher I found on the counter and the hundreds of tiny ants surrounding it. The garden needs to be weeded, the deck needs to be cleaned and swept, my office is a complete disaster zone. It is hot and promised to get hotter. And I feel like something I stepped in.

Maybe I will unleash a storm after all. We could use a little rain.


24 July 2003

no autographs, please

I am now a published poet. Oh How She Howls Search for Freemont Lakshmi.

poetry contest

I came across while reading another blog a bit fromDave Barry's Blog about this poetry contest. The last update was over 500 on Friday July 18. They are truly masterpieces. I am on my way now to submit my entry. I will be known as Freemont M. Lakshmi.

15 July 2003

Procrastination

I was reading a journal of another mama I know and she was talking about procrastination. I am the queen of procrastination. While, right now as I type this I am procrastinating doing 101 other things that I really should be doing. For some strange reason I function more efficiently when I am under pressure. When I have 'time to waste' I do. Heck, even when I don't have time to waste, I do! My older daughters are getting on a train tomorrow morning for a trip to my brother and SIL's house and I am anything but ready for that. Lucky for them they know their way around the washing machine. Then on Friday morning Axel, Anja and I are leaving on a trip to Chicago for a few days. I am completely NOT ready for that. I not only have laundry, packing, and the usual getting ready to go out of town stuff, but I for some reason feel compelled to sew myself a completely new wardrobe for the trip. Okay, well actually I have to because I only fit into a handful of very well worn summer clothes. I already have done a couple of tops and a pair of capris, but I need to do more. It isn't like I have anything else to be doing, right! :rolling eyes: And by some cruel twist of fate, my business, which had been deathly slow until about a week ago is suddenly exploding and I have to get a bunch of orders done and out before I leave.

man, I am getting stressed. Good thing - maybe now I can go and do something!

14 July 2003

My mother has this cookbook....

Be afraid, be truly afraid! Gallery of Regrettable Food : MEAT!

Baaaaaaa Baaaaaa

Sheep. People are such sheep. Flocking to the crowd simply because that is where everyone else is going or doing. I find this highly irritating and mind numbing. If you are going to follow a group, at least have the presence of mind to think first, follow later. It is not that I think there is anything wrong with a group or in joining with others of similar direction, but I can't fathom life as a blind desciple of the masses. One of the best parts of life, in my opinion, is our ability to make aware and informed decisions. What a deathly grey existence it must be to rely on mass media, mass consumerism, mass morality, and mass opinion to lead you. When I was in high school there was this band that my friends and I groupies of called Theater of Sheep. The name came from the idea that if all the world is a stage, then we are living in a theater of sheep. baaaaa baaaaaa.

What do you think?

I made some changes to my blog today. New logo panel, new about me page, started a list of 100 things about me (left off at 80 due to brain death - will continue later), and added this weather pixie thing. I like it all but am not so sure about the weather pixie thing. I saw it on another blog and thought it was cute, but after I put one up on mine I am not sure how cute it really is. Or maybe it is TOO cute for me. I am not what most people would consider into cute things. What do you think about the changes? Should the weather pixie stay or go?

NA NA NA NA NOT LISTENING!

What is worse than watching those horrible cheesy, white bread, canned formula television shows aimed at hormonal pre-teens on the Disney Channel, Nickelodian, and the like? Hearing a blow-by-blow recap as narrated by your own hormonal pre-teen daughter. I tried to just smile and nod while pretending to listen, but have found that just encourages a more detailed description. Instead I have resorted to one of two approaches. The first is to tell them to cut to the chase. I don't want to hear the details. This works well when the synopsis is being given as part of a more tolerable conversation, such as in a "oh - that reminds me of when on XYZ show..." sort of situation. They can get their point across without subjecting me to any more of this torture than is absolutely needed. The other is to ridicule the show with sarcasm and snide remarks. An example of this would be today when Dylan tried to tell me about a show that she saw while at a sleep over. Apparently this particular episode got the better of their emotions (as if that is a difficult thing to do with a group of 12 year olds) "Oh, you should have seen it! " she said, "We all cried and cried!" My response: "I would cry too if I had wasted an hour watching that crap!" She responded with a bit of an eye-roll and some sort of indignant remark, but didn't have to hear anymore about the show. Mission accomplished.

11 July 2003

Out of the mouth of babes...

It was reeeeeeeallly hot in our house last night. We are talking tank top is too much hot. blech. So I dressed myself in a short 1/2 tank top along with my comfy elastic waist band shorts to sleep in. I figured, what the heck, right? I was going straight to bed so the only people who had to see me and my 3 child belly hangin out were me, Axel, and Anja. Axel doesn't mind - or least he has the courtesy/common sense not to say that he minds if he does. After all, if he complained then that would put a fast end to whatever sex life we might have. And Anja, well she is 2 years old and what does she know about body image? That was my mistake..... This morning as I was setting up Anja in the living room for a rabble rousing episode of the Wiggles, she takes one look at me, hands me the remote and says, "You need exercise!" AAAAARRRRRRGHHH! Kids - ya gotta love 'em! Instead of taking her sage advice, I went directly to my room and changed into a t-shirt. After all, she was ready for the Wiggles (the tv show, not my belly wiggle) and there is a Jumanji video stuck in our VCR so I can't put on my work out tape. (This is my latest excuse for not working out. I must put off the fixing or replacing of the VCR as long as possible!) Tonight as I lie in bed fully clothed and sweating my brains out, I will reflect on Anja and her advice all the while convincing myself that by all that sweating I am actually losing weight. right.

09 July 2003

I am a mother - why is that not enough for you?

When you ask me what I do, and I respond that I am a mother, why do you look at me as if to say "Is that all?" Isn't that enough? Why is it that when the conversation turns to the big projects that everyone is working on at at their jobs, no one bothers to inquire about the long hard hours that come with raising a family? Every weekend is a working weekend when you are a mother. Why is that when describing what everyone does for a living, do you leave me out as if I don't do anything or put the emphasis on my little business and minimize my real job? Is a stupid candy wrapper more important than another human being? My choice early in my life to be a mother is not something to feel sorry for me about. I started my career nearly 13 years ago and have been promoted twice since then with the addition of each of my daughters. I have kept my family together, safe and happy in times so difficult that would make most people shake in fear just to think about. So why do you look upon my life as somehow less than successful?

I know I am not alone in feeling this way. Not by a long shot. Mothers physically create totally new PEOPLE and then after that mind-blowingly amazing task, they take on the responsibility of guiding that person through life and teaching them lessons ranging from spirituality to being a cooperative member of society down to how to use a toilet and everything in between. Yet, when was the last time someone raised a glass in a toast to celebrate the accomplishments of a mother? Why do we instead look at them critically and judge them by whether or not they fit into a narrow profile created by marketing monsters to sell baby gear? Why is a mother who is tired, stressed and looks frazzled seen as some sort of failure? Why do we pour toxic drugs down the throats of mothers who struggle daily and are made to feel inferior because they don't glow with an aura of peace and satisfaction from changing poopy diapers or picking up the same damn toys 12 times a day? Why do we blame mothers for all of the problems a child has, but not give them credit for the good stuff?

Ok, obviously I am dealing with some issues here. And yes, they are issues that stem from real life situations and interactions with people. I don't need to name anyone because the list would be to long. I would have to include myself on that list as well. I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to not validating the truly important work that it is I do as a mother. I spend so much time looking at how I can better use my life, but I fail to look at what it is that I am already doing. I look at being a mother as something that is holding me back from my bigger goals in life. That is messed up! But deep in my heart I know that my work as a mother is more important than any other thing I will do in my life. I just wish that it was not such a thankless job. I cried the other night because I was feeling sad that I work so hard every day - 7 days a week - 365 days a year - and it goes virtually unnoticed. It felt good to cry, but it felt better to say it out loud how I was feeling when Axel asked me why I was upset. I don't even know if he understood my words mixed in with my sobs, but using my voice felt strong and gave me validation. That is why I am writing this here. Using my words - my voice - to express and validate how I am feeling and how many other mothers are feeling. And hoping that we all can have some sort of renewal of strength and healing from it, no matter how small.

I feel a bit better now. I hope you do too. And if you can, try and take a few minutes today, and every day, to thank a mother (any mother, not just your own) for doing the work she does.

01 July 2003

to caffeine or not to caffeine?

That is the question.

I am desperatley trying to improve my health through improving my nutrition, and for awhile I was doing a darn good job at it. until.....I used the time honored rationale of 'just one won't hurt me' and indulged in a decidedly unhealthy meal of fish and chips some weeks ago and that was, as they say, the beginning of the end. Now it seems that since one didn't hurt, I can justify another. And that leads to another. And so on. You know the story. I am finding ways to rationalize just about every 'bad' food choice I make. Granted, the plan I am supposed to be following is very restricted and cuts out many of the staples that the rest of my family is not willing to give up. This makes it twice as hard. Shopping for everyone else is a torturous exercise of dangling each forbidden item in my face. Preparing them is worse. Lucky for me I really do notice a difference when I eat the forbidden foods or I would scrap the whole exercise in the blink of an eye. As it is, I am left yearning for the tastes, yet dreading the payback. A constant battle of will. It sucks.

The worst of this restriction is the cutting out of caffeine. For a mother of a toddler and two pre-teens coffee is in my mind a staple. With nights that last far past everyone elses bedtime and mornings that begin at a time when even the roosters are hitting the snooze alarm, the need for a cup of the elixer of life is not a luxury but needed for survival. But it too has a price to be paid. After cutting it out for several weeks, I realize upon reintroduction just how bad it is. The jitters and racing heart don't help with my effeciency. I get a boost of energy, sure, but I can't harness it so I just spin out of control. Appetitie suppression is a double edged sword - great for the waistline, bad for long term energy supply. And the worst is the craving for more. I am an addict and it is true...I can't just have one cup. The more I drink, the more I need. It truly sucks.

I want coffee. I need coffee. But today I will not give into its seduction. I will remain strong by reminding myself of its painful reality. I will, however, take a nap. I have yet to find any truly negative side effects to napping. Is 9:00am to early for a nap?

a little bit of everything

This past weekend we did a little bit of everything. Everything except chores, of course! That is what weekdays are for, right?

Friday night Axel and I escaped on a real honest to goodness date! We went to an opening reception at the art museum and drank lots of 'complimentary with admission' sangria and beer, ate the yummiest tapas, saw fabulously entertaining flamenco dancers, and oh yeah, saw some great sculpture at the Joan Miro exhibit that was the reason for all the revelry. Afterwards we hooked up with some friends and had drinks and adult conversation. ahhhhh....what a welcome night out it was!

Saturday we went to the Oregon Garden which I have fallen in love with. I can't wait to go back! The kids had so much fun! It is such an amazing place and if you are anywhere near Silverton, Oregon or plan to be, I highly reccomend that you put it on the top of your to do list. We bought a membership so you can count on us being there as often as possible.

And then on Sunday I rode a 22 mile bike ride! Yes, that is right - 22 miles! I am just as amazed as the next person at this accomplishment. What is more amazing is that I don't feel like a train wreck from sore muscles today. I guess I am not in as bad of shape as I (and everyone else) thought I am. Good to know...apparently we are going on a 50 mile ride next weekend. We'll see how that goes!

Whew! I am tired from just writing all of this down. I think I need a refill on my iced tea! I love summer, don't you!

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