it will be revealed to me when I am ready

While writing to my dear friend/soul sister michelle I had a revelation. I guess that is what you call it.

As I wrote to michelle....

"I guess that is my motto these days....It will be revealed when I am ready. Rather than forcefully seek out answers and direction I am allowing myself to be open to whatever it is that I am being called to do. Too many times in life I have made plans or set rigid goals only to feel empty in my success or fail to succeed at all. I have gone against my heart in order to satisfy external standards of what it means to be a "responsible and successful member of society." And look what it has done to me! Ugh! No more I say!"

Now don't freak out! This doesn't mean that I am going to live my life in reckless abandon without regard to consequence. It doesn't mean that I am going to wander aimlessly with no direction. It simply means that I am going to let the direction that I am going in be led by intuition and insight rather than doctrine and external judgement. This may seem pretty basic, and in reality it is, but I challenge everyone to look at their own personal life direction and if they feel emptiness or see failure to ask themselves who it is that is leading them - and is that really where they want to go. I did and I found where I was going was not where I need to be.

Exactly how this motto will play itself out in my life I don't know.... that too will be revealed to me when I am ready.

posted by Unknown at 8:15 pm | | 0 comment(s)

back in the day

You know that you are old when......
You are discussing a friend of a friend who used to work somewhere and the current staff refers to the time that person was there as "back in the day".

posted by Unknown at 1:05 am | | 0 comment(s)

it was meant to be!

I got a whopping big child support check today! Totally unexpected check. Child support is always unexpected around here. For the past couple months there have been little token checks that are not even the full current amount due, let alone any of the $40,000+ that is owed to me in back support. Those checks have been coming only because after a year with a bench warrant out for his arrest, they finally nabbed the dead-beat in a traffic stop. Apparently something went down at the court hearing that followed, because there has been a trickle coming in since then. But not like today's check! To make it even more of a surprise it came later in the month than the others so I really thought that it was not coming at all. And I take that as a sign. I put my aspirations and dreams on hold for so many years because I had to work my ass off to make ends meet as a single mother. So what could be more fitting than using part (a small part at that) of this payment to begin persuing my calling? Sure, I know, it is child support and there are some who might argue that unless I am spending those exact dollars on direct child related expenses I am abusing it. Well, for anyone who might think that I have this to say.....ok, I won't say it because it is not very nice. Lets just say that the current support amount will go directly to child related expenses and the back support - that which technically is reimbursement for money I already spent - will go in part to my tuition for attending the workshop. Hooray!

And so I begin officially on the road to becoming a Birth Mentor. I feel such energy and peace about this!

posted by Unknown at 4:50 am | | 0 comment(s)

thoughts on my path

I have been giving a great deal of thought lately to finding what path I am on. My life's experiences are far reaching and have taken me to places - both physically and emotionally - that I could never have imagined. As I look back I see certain themes and ideas that seem to bind my journey together. Two major passions for me have been artistic expression and birth. To me, art is life. Birth is the beginning of life. The birth of each of my daughters brought a new canvas upon which I have been given the honor of creating the art of life.

I am searching now for the direction my path is leading me. I have felt called to the work of a midwife in the past, but in all honesty I don't believe that is the true direction I am to follow - at least not at this time. So the question remains "how do I integrate my love of art and passion for birth?" I have been giving a great deal of consideration to the possibility of working as a child birth educator and in my research have come across Birthing From Within . From what I have read, it seems right on my path. Being a birth mentor rather than a traditional teacher and integrating artistic expression into the pregnancy, birth, and parenting process. I want to do more learning about Birthing From Within by attending a workshop in August, however, the cost is an obstacle for me. We certainly don't have any extra funds available from our personal accounts, and business in the world of candy wrappers has been painfully slow so I don't see it coming from there. I have some ideas on ways to creatively raise funds - things I can create and services I can render. I need to give them some more thought before presenting them, but I am hopeful that if this is the direction my path is really leading me the money obstacle will not prevent me from going. Of course I will always accept donations if you are inclined to do so! I can take paypal to lakshmi_mama@yahoo.com if the urge to contribute hits you. The course is the first week of August so I need to get busy creating!

posted by Unknown at 8:06 am | | 0 comment(s)

thank you Kiah and Axel!

Kiah came across this picture in her web travels (I am almost afraid to find out where). She sent it to everyone with the caption "you know you have failed as a parent when..." Axel saw it fit to load it as my new desktop image. I am still deciding whether of not I will keep it. What do you think?

posted by Unknown at 7:13 pm | | 0 comment(s)

why am i awake at this hour?

I don't know. I really should be going to bed now.

posted by Unknown at 9:30 am | | 0 comment(s)

digging and stiching

I seem to have settled into a nice routine these days of splitting my time between doing some kind of outdoor work - whether that be the garden, flower beds, container plants, etc. and indoor sewing stuff. There is something really satisfying to me about creating something new on my own. Add to that the joy of sharing these experiences with my daughters and it makes for a pretty darn good time. Anja loves to help dig or to carefully place seeds in their holes and then 'tuck them in'. It makes my heart melt every single time she pats the dirt on top and tells them "night night". Kiah has a great design flair that she contributes to the planning of both our outdoor and indoor creations. Dylan is paying close attention to my sewing technique with plans of working on her first project in the near future. It feels a bit odd to be a teacher for something I am just learning myself, but I guess that is kind of how this whole mothering thing works, huh? God knows I am still learning how to live my life, all the while teaching 3 little people how to live theirs! They would be surprised to learn how much they have actually taught me.

You can see Kiah modeling my latest sewing project here. I have also started a photo journal of our garden fun that you can link to here or at the links over in the margin.

Tomorrow is Kiah's 11th birthday! I can hardly believe it. How did *I* get to be the mother of such a beautiful young woman? Last time I checked she was still a little girl and then whamo she is a big girl! So so so very strange. Both Dylan and Kiah became Red Cross certified babysitters today which is great for me (even though they now insist that they are certified I pay them their asking wage) but I just can't seem to get a grip on the idea of my babies caring for other people's babies. I don't know if I will ever really get used to the idea. I look at Anja and refuse to beieve that she too will some day grow up and do grown up things. She is my last baby so he has to stay a baby, right? Isn't that how it is supposed to work? But alas, even she is showing hints of days and years to come as she proclaims "Be quiet - this is my favorite song!" while listening to a CD. say it ain't so....

posted by Unknown at 7:06 am | | 0 comment(s)

out of the haze

Paxil haze all in my brain
Lately things just don't seem the same
Actin' funny, but I don't know why
'Scuse me while I kiss the sky
Paxil Haze all around
Don't know if I'm comin' up or down
Am I happy or in misery?
What ever it is, that drug put a spell on me

It has been a couple of weeks, so I think I can now safely proclaim "I AM PAXIL FREE!" As a matter of fact, I am now free of all psycho drugs that I had been placed on by the ice lady with a script pad (aka my shrink). This, for you who are not familiar with the hell that is Paxil is no small feat. This 'non-addictive' ( drug sure does a good imitation of a nasty withdrawl. Some of the symptoms of getting of the dope are listed here ... If not for the support of Axel and Tina I would never have been able to do it. I said it before and I will say it again - Tina rocks and Axel, well, I love that man more than I can ever say!

Life out of the haze is proving to be nothing short of miraculous. My best friend has returned into my life - ME! While on 'the dope' I could barely function mentally....my memory was completely screwed up causing me to forget precious memories such as how Axel proposed to me as well as simple things like how to navigate around a city I *should* know like the back of my hand. Connecting thoughts was a real chore and holding any sort of conversation with substance was next to impossible. My life, my brain was truly in a haze. But look out now because I am back and ready to make up for lost time! Those of you who thought that I had fallen off the face of the earth will be happy (hopefully) to know that I have climbed back up and will be making my newly reborn presence known in full force.

Now off to revel in life and the beautiful sunshine that we are blessed with today. I have all sorts of veggie starts to plant in our new organic veggie/herb/fruit garden and will be putting some more work into our fairy garden and tea garden. Can you tell I love gardening?

posted by Unknown at 6:34 pm | | 0 comment(s)

La Tia Tina,Latina - She Rocks

Tonight we went to our favorite Sushi place where on Wednesday they have super-deal night. Kiah will do just about anything for sushi so we had gone to eat away her bummed out-ness from the party fiasco. Instead of saying there was an emergency, Kiah told her party "host" that she needed to go because is was sushi night and she had forgotten! I am so proud.

After dinner we descended unannounced upon Tina. A family of 5 just doesn't 'drop by' without making their presence felt, if you know what I mean. We had such a great time with her, Nezzie and buddy Bob. Dan was out at a show and Nick at a friend's house on an over-nighter. Bob's skateboard was a big attraction for Kiah. Axel wowed us all with his 'hidden skateboard talent' (Kiah's words) and even Anja strapped on a helmet and took a good couple inch roll on the board.

Then, in true La Tia Tina fashion, an impromtu slumber party for the girls was suggested and became reality in less than 10 minutes! I have been sent an ANGEL! Kiah exclaims that "this is better than any scary slumber party any day!" That is where they are now. Axel and I have some rare just Anja time for us to share.

Thank you Tina for rocking!

posted by Unknown at 6:07 am | | 0 comment(s)

Update:

I have decided to go and get her when Anja wakes up from her nap. I just can't stand to have her there. I can't think about anything else. I am going to call in a few minutes and tell them some bs story about an emergency that has come up and that Kiah needs to leave. They better answer the phone.......

posted by Unknown at 10:29 pm | | 0 comment(s)

The next time I think I am a bad mother...

Remind me of today. I am a fabulous mother. Once I am able to get past the many layers of guilt ala my Catholic upbringing that I feel for minor mothering flaws and let go of the illusion that perfection is the only acceptable result of my efforts, I would even dare to say I am one of the best mothers I know. And I know some damn fine mothers.

Today my fineness was laid out before me in all its glory. The birthday party saga from my previous post only got worse. Worse beyond my worst imagining. I had Kiah call one more time before we left to take her. I figured certainly they would answer the phone seeing as how it was 10 minutes until party time. Nope. No answer. I had told Kiah the night before that it really bothered me that there was never any answer. I told her something was fishy. I told her.... and my gut told me....something is not right. So I took her to the party with the preface that if I felt in *any* way uncomfortable with things she would not be allowed to stay. We arrived to find the birthday girl outside welcoming guests. Just her. No parent. No adult of any kind. When I asked where her mother was I was told that she was 'on her way home' from work. What the fuck is that all about? If you are going to throw a birthday party for your kid, it seems like you would do it at a time when you didn't have to be at work, right? I guess not. I opted to wait a few minutes until the mother got home before yanking Kiah away from the party. A few minutes passed....and then a few more.... and more.... and then I was brought the telephone with the mother on the other end telling me that she would be home in 1/2 an hour! Once again....What the fuck??!!! Here it was nearly a full hour after the stated start time and no mother in sight. No way. She told me that her neighbor keeps an eye on them while she is at work and that I could go and meet the neighbor if I wanted to. I met the neighbor and he creeped me out more than the idea of leaving the girls alone! Mullett man, handle bar mustache, motor cycle in his LIVING ROOM, with his arm stuck up the ass end of a fish he was cleaning out. He was more concerned with explaining to me why he was not gainfully employed than how he was in charge of caring for a child. He did manage to tell me that his own child, a 14 year old boy, was running around somewhere in the apartment complex too. Somehow this was supposed to comfort me. At that point I felt like throwing up.

I made the most unpopular decision to take Kiah away from there. I told her we would return later when the mother was home and I would decide then if she would be allowed to stay at all. I also took it upon myself to inform other parents as they were dropping off their children of the situation. They all took the same action as me and did not allow their children to stay. Naturally, Kiah was pissed with me but I could tell that she was also somewhat relieved. (She later confessed to me and her sister that the neighbor was indeed creepy. ) When we returned later, mom was still not home. I told Kiah 15 minutes I would wait and then that was it. She arrived 13 minutes later appolgizing profusely for running late. I had to refrain from going off on her. Don't appolgize to me - appologize to your child for neglecting her. Appolgize to your child for teaching her that all that had gone down was a normal and acceptable way of handling things.

I ended up allowing Kiah to stay. She is only allowed to be there for a few hours. The party was supposed to be a slumber party. When hell freezes over. I feel like *I* am a neglectful mother for allowing her to stay at all, but I had a serious talk with her before I left her there. I laid down the rules - if the mom leaves *OR* if anyone that makes her feel at all uncomfortable shows up she is to call me immediately. If she can't get to a phone fast enough she is to just leave and go to her grandma's house a couple blocks away and call me. I told her I trust her but I don't trust others. I told her to be as angry as she needs to be at me for about it all, that was fine, I understand. Go ahead and blame her embarassment on me being overprotective. And that I trust that she too will do the same for her daughter some day. Because that is what *GOOD* mothers do.

And I am a good mother.

so now I sit and wait. the time can't pass fast enough until I am due to go pick her up. I have to resist the urge to go and park my car across the street and set up watch. Maybe that isn't a bad idea....

posted by Unknown at 9:57 pm | | 0 comment(s)

Birthday Party - Please leave gift on porch and leave.

Kiah has been invited to a birthday party for a classmate today. I never heard much about this particular person until the invitation arrived...this should have been my first clue. We went last night to purchase the obligatory gift and after wandering up and down endless rows of crap it became all to clear that Kiah knows very little about this person as well. It seems that their only connection is that they are in the same math class and that is where it ends. This sort of thing pisses me off. Why is it that we are expected to go and fork out money to buy a gift for someone that most likely decided to invite you because the pack of invitations had 10 cards but she only had 6 people on her list? Yeah, sure, they will be entertaining my child for a few hours, but for the cost of a half way decent gift I could take all 3 of my kids on a fantastic afternoon adventure. It just doesn't seem right. To make matters worse, these people don't seem to ever be home or have any sort of message device, so our repeated attempts to RSVP were met with endless ringing and no human contact. But still - she is going to attend, gift in hand. I am secretly hoping that we will get there to find that the party was cancelled, thus the non-answering saga so that I can return the gift. I should be so lucky. And when it is all done I am sure that we will never hear from the birthday girl again - until next year.

posted by Unknown at 6:36 pm | | 0 comment(s)

The first post on my new blog....Unusual as it is for me to be at a loss for words, I seem to be running up against that very problem at this moment. I suppose it is some sort of response to the pressure I am placing on myself not to create anything boring or run of the mill. It seems that is what holds me back from doing most things that I dream of. What if I am boring? What if I am the only one who is interested in what I have to say? And worst of all - what if it is not perfect? I have found that the best way to keep from failing is to never try. Of course it doesn't take a genius to figure out the path that philosophy takes me on. A path that in my recent awakening from my haze I am avoiding at all costs. (more to come in future posts about the haze....much more...)

With that introduction out of the way, I welcome you to Lakshmi Mama's Guide to living life as a goddess in disguise.

posted by Unknown at 10:50 pm | | 0 comment(s)